This isn't the end
by tabitha crowne
Summary: Dr.Cox thinks about his relationship with Jordan. Past and present


Title: This isn't the end Author: Tabitha Crowne Rating: G-PG nothing bad Summary: Dr. Cox thinks about his life with Jordan. Past and present. Disclaimer: these Characters do not in any way belong to me. They belong to NBC and Bill Lawrence. Notes: This is the first fic I have ever written for scrubs. I try to stick to The X-files But this was begging to be written.  
  
This isn't the end He sat thinking in the on call room. To tired to go home and get the good nights sleep he desperately wanted. His mind had wandered to Jordan as it often did when he was alone. Most of the time his thoughts were to wonder how she was, but occasionally they went to thoughts of what their future was, if they even had one. Some days he wondered if they could make it together. He wanted to make it work despite the comments he made about her being unlovable. The fact was she was very loveable once you figured out how she ticked. Which took him (by his calculations) About the whole time he was married to her and maybe six to eight months after the divorce. And probably the entire lifetime before this one.  
  
He smiled at the thought of her. He wasn't lying when he said she had never looked so beautiful. He had made a crack so she wouldn't think he was serious. He seemed to always make cracks when he felt insecure, which by what he saw was how men worked, women wanted to sit down and talk a bout every little thing while men just made a quick joke and ran for their lives. HE never meant to hurt her with the joke, though occasionally he could see it would get to her. Usually it was the things about how he was so happy without her. The truth was he was completely miserable with out her. He remembered when she had asked for the divorce, neither of them had really wanted it but they had both done it to hurt each other. To get even with each other.  
  
He hadn't stopped loving her, no matter what she thought. He had had a few encounters with women since, but none of them had meant anything but sex for him. Julie had been the first, even remote possibility since Jordan. Not that she hadn't been enough sexually, mentally or intellectually. Just that she hadn't been Jordan. That was the only way he knew how to describe the feeling. Julie had been everything he thought he wanted, but when he had been with her a part of him had felt empty. He had it all but then Jordan showed up, He would have given it all up if she had asked. And eventually she just told him that he was hers again. He had completely intended to deny her, and he almost succeeded at it. But when he was talking to Julie and she had made the comment about how easy the choices must have been, that was when he knew how wrong he had been. That was what had started this new relationship.  
  
But some how it seemed different now. Things that had not happened in their marriage happened now. They used to get up and got to work separately, giving the usual husband and wife affections. But now it was that he woke up first and showered since he had to work and, except for the occasionally board meeting, Jordan didn't work. So he would wake her and they would have breakfast together, in bed. They would say their goodbyes and she would kiss him. On the lips. It was a welcomed change from the hug he got when they were married. When He had married her He hadn't intended to fall in love with her.  
  
His parents were proud of their son the doctor, and when they were invited over Jordan's parents house, their parents had settled on the idea that he and Jordan were meant for each other. The pressure had been so hard and constant that he had finally asked her to marry him on the following Christmas. She had accepted no doubt while giving in to the same pressure her parents had posed.  
  
The whole time he was married to Jordan he never had really felt that he was in love with her. But the day he had come home and found he things gone he and sat on her empty side of the bed and cried for hours. Not just out of regret and guilt over marrying Jordan when he hadn't loved her, but because he saw now how much he loved her. He had her now and he did not intent to let her go again. 


End file.
